A debate of definition
In what manner do I perceive myself and the things in which I partake?
What are my motives? I find my mind and thoughts and tendencies
are not always self-explanatory or clear to even myself and for that
I don’t believe that anyone else should feel obliged to predict anything
that I may do. I apologise before it is wanting,
for I know that I shall err and indeed I genuinely do not want to.
I know what it is to love but I know confusion too,
and I do not know just what I am.
I’m sure I know who exactly I am, but what I am
remains a mystery. I have learnt in recent months that
there is a thin veil between what is true and what you believe to be true
and once you stop believing something is true
and you believe in what you once thought was untrue
it is often hard to tell truth from untruth,
opinion and fact. I very much doubt that anything I say or do appeals to anyone
or at least not to the one that I want it to matter to.
I feel that unrequited love is much to frequent and
that fairness and parity in attraction is a non-existent concept,
far removed from what we believe and experience to be reality.
I know a girl whom I seem to have fallen in love with
and I know another one that I misjudged. There are many people
that I have been wrong about in my life.
And how can one be right about anybody, really?
You can’t really believe any words that anybody says
or even anything you see before you. Your lenses are
and will eternally be tainted by your experience.
You are triggered by that which I feel apathetic towards.
I come into a rage at something you’re not even certain the meaning of.
You laugh at a certain joke with such fervency when I misunderstand it.
We know nothing of one another and yet we devote our lives
to gaining acceptance from those who don’t know us fully.
Please remember my love for you in hindsight if you cannot see it now.
I will never have a high school romance.
If fear and love are life’s great motivators, then
which one is stronger? For they both push and pull me
all the day long. I yearn for the touch of her hands on my skin
and simple lingering of any sort of contact.
This does not exist in a state that is pan-cardiac.
It is just enough to be defining.